


teenage agony in your thirties ii

by sammywhatammy



Series: terra and aqua are dumb in their thirties [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 17:11:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17881874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sammywhatammy/pseuds/sammywhatammy
Summary: how Aqua struggles from reunion onward.





	teenage agony in your thirties ii

**Author's Note:**

> LITERALLY FIVE YEARS LATER
> 
> I really need a better title for this 'series', don't I? but hey, it's a little bit of humor to counter writing so seriously.
> 
> I wrote this LONG before KH3 came out, but as far as I can tell, it doesn’t contradict anything from canon anyway? so it should be fine without me changing anything HAHA
> 
> it's longer than Terra's because Aqua's more an introspective sort than he is; more concrete than the 'stream of consciousness' from before. writing her thinking process takes more time, so sadly it's not as...elegantly concise (relatively speaking for my poor writing) as Terra's was.  
> Still...years later, i had the idea and wanted to pursue it. i hope you enjoy it, despite my lack of skill or talent in creative writing.

he's constantly breaking your heart without ever meaning to.

when you were children, your Master suggested that it was time to cut your long hair - as you got older and your training progressed, it would only be a hindrance, he said - and your fellow apprentice piped up that you didn't need to be such a _girl_ to be a Master.

you were too young to understand why it hurt so much to be told those things, and to do it in the end...too young to articulate it even if you did, and too restrained by the ideals you were being held to for arguing.

he'd hurt you and didn't understand how, either, but after you snipped off the last of your braid and started crying, he hugged you and held your hand.

he broke your heart twice in one day. cruelly, then kindly.

*

when you were heading into your teens, it was because of how much he was changing, and so quickly. you were losing the scrawny little boy you'd been growing up with - shy and impetuous, a wide-eyed dreamer who cried more easily than someone would guess - and in his place, getting someone who almost seemed a stranger overnight.

he wasn't a stranger, of course. not really. you still saw your childhood friend in him. but he wasn't shy anymore, just reserved and yet bold; more determined and driven than ever, eyes always shining as they looked to the horizon. His honesty was starting to be constructive, rather than just reactive.

you started to feel left behind.

but he became your best friend, not just someone you'd known from childhood. though he was clumsy at it and just learning how to do so, he became your best supporter, your best motivation to push yourself and catch up to him and stay at his level. your inspiration to change yourself for the better, too.

and you began to share his dream.

he broke your heart slowly. in the sad loss of childhood, and in the joy of not being left behind after all.

*

when you were heading towards adulthood, it was because of who he'd become, and was still changing and evolving to be even more. he was...so strong of heart, by then. brave, and kind. still clumsy at the latter, but very hard to mistake. he was so gentle with Ven, so selfless with people he'd help in other worlds, and always encouraging with you. for some reason, it all warmed you inside so much that it hurt.

but there was also his darkness. you'd silently screamed the first time it flared up: furiously defending you from enemies when a single moment of hesitation cost you your weapon. you saw, in that moment, all of its purpose...to protect what matters to him. because he's brave, and kind. maybe _too_ kind... too much to realize that there will be a terrible price to pay. your Master had always taught you both that darkness is Wrong...so your heart screams in terror for him.

he broke your heart with dangerous care.

*

when the three of you were torn apart and lost everything, illusions of him would appear to gently encourage you to keep fighting. it was his silence that caused the most pain.

*

now...?

when you've all been saved and have begun rebuilding the lives and time you all lost, everything is compounded into a dull, throbbing ache. it's constant and torturous. you watch him struggle with memories that are and aren't his, wrestle with grief and guilt, try to atone for his mistakes and their consequences with a hard-set jaw and eyes too bright, breaths too shallow. any rare smile he shows is frail, and any rare laugh he allows himself sounds brittle.

his kindness is killing him. you know that however much you and Ven dedicate yourselves to come together as a family to heal each other, there's also a limit to how much that can do. no matter how much you believe in each other, in the end, many of your battles have to be won alone against yourselves. 

his fight might be the longest of all.

and it all kills you because his kindness is what you love most about him, and now it turns against him in ugly ways. this is the price he ends up paying.

he breaks your heart with grief.

*

now...?

with so many years of wandering alone in the darkness, you'd nearly forgotten how you felt about him. you've known since, perhaps, his softer nature truly blossomed when Ven came into your lives. you'd simply watched them together on a day like any other and thought almost that exact thing - 'his kindess is what I love most' - and it felt so natural that you couldn't even be surprised. it just...was. like it had always been a part of you.

maybe it had been when the two of you promised to be Masters together, and to revive the school one day.

maybe it had been when he held your hand as you cut off some of your identity against your wishes.

it doesn't matter. it's been a part of you too long, and that's enough to know.

you wonder, sometimes, if it would have been kinder to have never remembered. he'll never feel the same way, and you know it. since you were both young, his eyes were set far on the future. then on taking care of Ven. now...on trying to repent. 

you'd come to terms with that as soon as you knew that you didn't see him as a brother anymore, back in happier times. you had accepted taking this secret with you to the grave. your friendship and partnership with him is too important to ever jeopardize with this. you have to hold it in. you could accept that.

*

at least...  
you used to be able to accept it.

*

now...?

the three of you sleep together often...or at least pile together. Ven barely sleeps anymore, but he stays until restlessness gets the better of him. then the two of you are left to support each other through the things keeping you awake or waking you from poor sleep, trying to give each other enough comfort and support to get some actual rest. 

for you...you can't sleep alone. you're terrified of the dark now; there are things coming after you hiding in every shadow in the night, and waking up in a dark room makes you think you've been swallowed at last...so you end up screaming, more often than not.

but he's there. Ven might come running if he left, but Terra is always there. he'll hold your hand and hug you until your heart stops racing and you're able to breathe properly again. he'll turn on more lights for you. he'll talk to you until you can fall asleep again, still holding your hand. 

he breaks your heart with tenderness.

then he might be the one gasping: staring wide-eyed with horror at the ceiling with tears at the corners of his eyes, shaking and sometimes dry heaving. he tries to not dissolve, still unable to forgive himself for falling prey to his own double-edged dream and how easily he was manipulated…

but you're there. Ven might come running if he left, but you're always there. you hold him tightly, trying to steady his trembling. you let him cry because you all need to. you rub his back a little, telling him nothing but truth: he is not Xehanort. he's not to blame. he made mistakes, but he learned, and he's trying to make things as right as he can. he's here, and real, and himself. there are no golden eyes, no white hair. 

he hears these things and thanks you every time with a ghost of the brave smile you used to know. you want to scream when you see it. you want it to be the day when he can smile and mean it, when he has accepted your words and looks to the horizon with bright eyes again.

you have to hold it in.

you hope that this time, you can be there for him, and that - this time - it will make a difference. if you had been supportive then, more understanding, maybe none of this would have ever happened.

he breaks your heart with regret.

*

is this your punishment, then? for all of the ways that you failed them, failed _him_ , is this burden going to crush you under its weight? the burning in your chest feels like you're going to explode from the inside out, and maybe you wish you would just so this would be over.

you have to hold it in.

solace is throwing yourself into being a teacher. losing yourself in the joys of starting the revival of wielders, to protect all worlds. to nurture their individual strengths, curb their weaknesses. when you do it right, you can almost forget again. maybe that will be enough.

*

enough that you were able to push down some of your worry when he suddenly seemed...distant. conflicted. his distraction touches every action he makes. you don't push him...it seems like one of those things he just needs to work out on his own. you can hope he'll be able to talk about it in his own time.

would you have imagined he'd ask to talk to you on a starry night, alone together on a balcony? no, but you can respect the privacy he's looking for. you're ready to listen, to be there when he needs you.

you're _not_ ready for him to tell you that he's going to leave.

you're not ready for how long he says it might take, or how his jaw is clenched, how he struggles to look you in the eye.

_how can you go, when we still need you?_

that's not what you meant to say, or how you meant to say it. you're instantly ashamed of how manipulative it sounds. that's not what you meant at all.

but...why this? why _now_? why, when the three of you are still holding each other together through will and love alone, when the last thing any of you should do is leave on your own... 

when you would want to follow, but are bound to stay.

 

 

...maybe…

maybe this is a chance. an opportunity to let him go, in the way you most and least want to. you just hope that he'll forgive you for being selfish.

when you say _I love you_ , every muscle in your body is rigid. you're clenching your jaw so hard that it hurts, and staring at him with a ferocity that's only there to keep you from looking away. 

his look of bald shock is what withers your steel in an instant. you flinch and curse yourself for it, forcing yourself to tell him your reasons for saying anything at all. you can't change his mind, and you can't go with him. maybe time, and a lot of space, will finally be enough to let him go.

but then... 

then he takes your hand in his. a thrill runs up your spine when you're able to turn to face him again; you've never seen him wear an expression of such tenderness and quiet hope before. his small smile is melting away the voice within you that's been telling you to keep quiet, keep this secret for so many years. so you do the only thing that makes sense.

you let yourself go.

he welcomes you into his arms when you pull yourself to embrace him, scarcely daring to breath for fear that the slightest tremor in the air will break the spell. you're both shaking, so you hold him all the tighter. though you can only guess his reasons, you feel words you've been hiding for years wanting to pour out of you; they threaten to flood out of you.

 _but_ , you think to yourself as he kisses your forehead (so softly that you might break), _if this is real, then there's time._

so you gently take his face in your hands, and tell him what he needs to know most of all:  
that he - Terra - is beautiful, with his heart bigger than anyone else's, full of dreams and kindness and strength. that you love all of that about him, and more.

that he's been breaking your heart for as long as you can remember.

and that you hope he never stops.


End file.
